Thursday, January 24, 2002
It is later in the day. I have finally calmed down a bit and realized that bad moods come and go. It is funny how you can forget that every time you fall into that mode. I was frustrated today. I felt so useless at work and incapable of earning my measly income. I went to college for God's sake. I should be able to get into gear enough to find a new place of employment. Just can't motivate myself enough. And then I get so pissed when I am treated as though I went to fucking BOCES. No offense to those that went to BOCES. Hey, that's your station in life. But I wasn't BOCES and now I am basically making the wage of a certified cosmetologist. Or a mechanic. Or whatever other career BOCES trains you in when you don't want to go to class.
Today is my bitter day. As much as I can release and feel better...I will go to bed furious. Cuz thats how I woke up. My day was pre-determined. Hmmm....normal.
Tonight, Kelly, Rita and I had a house meeting. Just to get shit in order before they got out of hand. It was the most N'SYNC* moment I have had with 2 other people in a long time. 3's don't work. I have been a part of dozens, and they always fail. But this 3 isn't a 3. It's a 2, 2, and 2. A different attempt at the same concept? Possibly. But it works beautifully so far.
Great house meeting. Decided a few basic understandings...bills, cleaning, groceries. Then we watched "When Harry Met Sally " and just loved eachother. Pretty bomb. Felt like the beginning of something good.
I spoke with Paul today. It was amazing. I was very candid with him and kept in check. No freaking out over the long distance, no getting over jealous for no reason, no making him prove his love to me. I hate these things that I do. DESPISE. But it is so hard not to when you try to live a full relationship in 10 minute conversations. So today was good. He even sent me a text from his phone to my email at work. I smiled and felt warm inside. The comfort of having him there even when I felt like poo. (POO!---makes me piss myself.)
I really think that I am going to sleep with Paul. Listen...I am not some big loser that never had sex or couldn't get sex or was too afraid to do sex. I guess part of me is insecure that these LAME reasons would be my reason and that's why I spout about it now...but I spout nonetheless. I have held out for that perfect moment. I was gay in highschool (even though i didn't truly understand it or know it), gay in college and I never slept with a girl. I didn't even hook up with a guy until I was a sophomore in college. Late bloomer. So I have waited for that moment that I will never forget. The one thing that is in my control. I decide how beautiful and wonderful it will be. And I know that is exactly how it will happen. Next week! The most exciting part of it is that I have butterflies and nervous tension. As though I was doing him after the Junior Prom. It's just going to be a moment that in some way will change my life dramatically. And move me into that next phase of my life. Whoa. I'm gonna puke.
These are my thoughts tonight.
Also...in my last entry...I say that I am at work and that it "is a lot of shit for 12:00pm". IT'S TRUE! I wrote everything this morning and I am HTML stupid so I don't know how to fix the time. Blogger has already fucked me and we had only been on one date.
dick.
Sleep well.
Today is my bitter day. As much as I can release and feel better...I will go to bed furious. Cuz thats how I woke up. My day was pre-determined. Hmmm....normal.
Tonight, Kelly, Rita and I had a house meeting. Just to get shit in order before they got out of hand. It was the most N'SYNC* moment I have had with 2 other people in a long time. 3's don't work. I have been a part of dozens, and they always fail. But this 3 isn't a 3. It's a 2, 2, and 2. A different attempt at the same concept? Possibly. But it works beautifully so far.
Great house meeting. Decided a few basic understandings...bills, cleaning, groceries. Then we watched "When Harry Met Sally " and just loved eachother. Pretty bomb. Felt like the beginning of something good.
I spoke with Paul today. It was amazing. I was very candid with him and kept in check. No freaking out over the long distance, no getting over jealous for no reason, no making him prove his love to me. I hate these things that I do. DESPISE. But it is so hard not to when you try to live a full relationship in 10 minute conversations. So today was good. He even sent me a text from his phone to my email at work. I smiled and felt warm inside. The comfort of having him there even when I felt like poo. (POO!---makes me piss myself.)
I really think that I am going to sleep with Paul. Listen...I am not some big loser that never had sex or couldn't get sex or was too afraid to do sex. I guess part of me is insecure that these LAME reasons would be my reason and that's why I spout about it now...but I spout nonetheless. I have held out for that perfect moment. I was gay in highschool (even though i didn't truly understand it or know it), gay in college and I never slept with a girl. I didn't even hook up with a guy until I was a sophomore in college. Late bloomer. So I have waited for that moment that I will never forget. The one thing that is in my control. I decide how beautiful and wonderful it will be. And I know that is exactly how it will happen. Next week! The most exciting part of it is that I have butterflies and nervous tension. As though I was doing him after the Junior Prom. It's just going to be a moment that in some way will change my life dramatically. And move me into that next phase of my life. Whoa. I'm gonna puke.
These are my thoughts tonight.
Also...in my last entry...I say that I am at work and that it "is a lot of shit for 12:00pm". IT'S TRUE! I wrote everything this morning and I am HTML stupid so I don't know how to fix the time. Blogger has already fucked me and we had only been on one date.
dick.
Sleep well.
